remembrance

I.

Months have passed. Soon it will be years, soon it will be decades. Somewhere in the future, you'll fade like the memories of a childhood toy, the thought still there, but the emotions and sense gone for me.

I don't want to age, I don't want to forget.

II.

Even though I know you're gone, I will not say goodbye.

My mind knows that you're not here, my mind tells me that I'll never see you or hear you or touch you again. But my heart says something different. There's a hole in my heart that's shaped like your hand, and no one else will ever be able to fill that hole but you. So maybe I won't get to hug you again, but I know you're here, somehow you're here with us.

So I'm never going to tell you goodbye, because I don't think you ever really left.

III.

The thoughts hurt sometimes, you know. The never-ending thoughts of you.

I wanted to save you, Wayne. I could see what they were doing to you, they were tearing you apart, and they just pushed you too far. I wanted you to listen, to hear me cry, to see how much I loved you.

But I lied and told you I hated you. I'll regret everything I screamed at you those last three weeks of your life for the rest of mine. I'm not even angry at you for taking your own life, Wayne, I just wish you hadn't thought that that was your only choice.

We loved you. We still love you, Wayne. We wanted to take your hand and lead you to what you deserved, happiness. But you never let us, and we were just too late that night.

IV.

I guess sometimes, life likes to leave you stunned and confused.

I don't want to move on. I don't want to be strong. I want to scream and cry and I never want to forget your voice, your smile, your loving hugs. I want to remember every detail forever, Wayne.

It'll fade like a photograph, buried in my mind like a love letter buried in an attic.

Forgive us, Wayne. Forgive me.

I'm not afraid I'll forget....

I'm simply afraid I won't remember.